refresh

I am now, officially, over my hyper-hermitting mode. I do love my alone time, and I am writing this, now, in my delicious solo time, but after a pretty full day around other people. And I feel so ENERGIZED after having spent time around people, talking with people, and even sharing meals with others. It’s a treat I have long sense forgotten that I enjoyed. (And I’m fortunate that, since Mexico City, I’ve had more and more meals with others…. a post on that later ♡ ).

And, yes, that has includes having spent time around the former man of my dreams…..

I think I’ve been handling the situation well, all things considered. I went into it committed to avoiding him and keeping conversation to a minimal. I was just trying to save face, protect myself, and move on with my life with hopefully new friendships… because I still struggle to handle the anxiety and cinder-block weight in my chest of seeing him, again….. as I’m writing this, now, I know myself… I know that I will still continue to do this as much as humanly possible in a respectful way.….

That said, it’s literally just a fucking Tuesday to this man. He is as cool as a cucumber, went out of his way (because I was dodging him…. like the child that I am….) to say that it was nice to see me, then proceed to have THE MOST SUPERFICIAL conversation with me. And I, being my little people-pleasing self, SMILED THROUGH IT and followed suit. Out of shock, confusion, and the anxiety of being around new people PLUS my most significant, unrequited, love dynamic, I panicked and just simply followed.

Now that the initial meet and greet is over, though, I do feel a bit less anxiety. Granted, it’s still really hard to look at him. I’m trying not to make it obvious, so I try to look near his face but not directly at it, but it makes my chest squeeze with deep, deep, shame… This man simply went on with his life after informing me that he didn’t reciprocate the same intensity of emotions I felt…. and, despite it being years later, I still find that reality jarring to experience in real time….

The Self-Forgiveness Oracle Deck

Love Your Self Edition

I am aware that this rejection occurred during the midst of SEVERAL Tower Moments in my life, all that happened pretty back-to-back / rapid-fire within a short 14-month timespan. I know, now, how ill-suited my past self was to invest in, and that I had a LOT of work to do before I was ready to re-enter society… but that rejection was essentially my “final straw”. It’s what made me realize that I was really not OK from all that I had been through, that I consistently put my blind trust in the wrong types of people for me, and I needed to truly learn how to be alone.

This month is essentially my reemergence from 2-3 years of extreme hyper-independence and self-isolation, since then. And, with the deepest irony and darkest sense of humor, this man is “book-ending” that life chapter (….or epic…) for me. It still hurts to see him and spend time around him, even short bouts of time, but at least he handled the situation with more maturity than I did. I really could not look at him, initially, and seeing him shocked my system. I hadn’t seen him in years, and the last time we saw each other was so lovely… That interaction was what had, in my mind, cemented for me that he was THE ONE… and even then, I knew I had work to do on myself. I asked from some time, but that I really wanted to give us a solid go. I thought he and I were on the same page…. but the unreciprocated feelings were fully communicated to me a mere 2 months later….. So, I think my emotional body kind of teleported me back to that timeline of things I’ve long sense tried to forget, and I couldn’t manage to look up from the ground whenever he came into peripheral view. Granted, he could have ignored me, too, which is what I was actually expecting… so that, at least, makes it so I can pretend in passing moments that the extent of his rejection of me didn’t actually happen.

…Until I leave the situation, course.

I’m still processing the shock and sadness of it all…. I’ve already allowed myself to process the rejection and chose to fully let it go over the course of the last few years, but I think I still need to give my nervous system some time to process whatever PTSD-love I had remaining in my subconscious. After this month, the goal is that I’ll be able to move on a fully-free lady! I just have to make it through, one interaction at a time…

But, there is a beautiful light at the end of this tunnel, as well.

It feels SO good to me to be back around people, again. I feel awkward, and easily embarrassed (my face turns bright red - no hiding it…). It’s almost like I’m re-remembering to ride a bike.

BUT - I know I’m giving off MY light now; MY being. I’m not trying to blend in, or be someone else. I’m simply allowing myself to be me and the little happy introvert I am, out in a brave new world. My inner child spirit is awakening and coming back, and I feel this light-hearted glee that I’m near a pool , again, and I can swim underneath the blue sky.

So far, I’m getting along with people pretty easily, because, despite all our differences, we all have this shared, kindred, spirit. Being a (successful) nomad just caters towards more laid back, yet ambitious, personalities, who possess their own stock of independent confidence. These are the kinds of people that usually fair well with my aura, since being ambitious naturally coincides with transformation and seeking a well-lived life that veers from the norm. My confrontational energy is more welcome in these kinds of circles, at least in a general sense, as life is always in a state of change for those who chose to live in various locations outside of their home country.

I’ve also had several wonderful conversations with strangers just walking about town. I’ve been stopped and spoken to a couple times, which I find so lovely, as everyone is so friendly and somehow invested in me practicing my Portuguese (it’s a slow go, but people understand when I speak, and that is a massive, massive, success point). That is truly one of the blessings of Brazilians (and Mexicans); there is an acknowledgment that we are all people connected by language, verbal and nonverbal, so there is an investment in connecting with and getting to know a little bit about those who come to visit their beloved home city.

I’m really grateful for the change of pace, and for the ability to really close out that dark, heavy, life saga that I’ve been in the last few years. I just feel this air of a new start, a new beginning.

And I’m speechless with gratitude for it ♡

panic

dying