panic
The panic attack finally caught up with me.
Last night, the former man of my dreams (FMOMD) messaged me asking if I’d be open to a coffee walk today or tomorrow. I said tomorrow, as I knew I had a lot of things to do, today.
Honestly, despite being incredibly tired, I barely slept after that. The anxiousness and waterfall of emotions just wouldn’t quite.
I still felt the anxiety continue growing a bit this am, so I went to the gym to work out. However, sometimes that makes it a bit worse, so I accepted this and left after a mere 20 minutes of pilates. I kind of mellowed out a bit over breakfast; the staff here is so friendly, and I feel more connected here than I did, yesterday. Things seemed light and manageable, the anxiety present but more as a background sensation…However, the climb officially started I ran into this man while I was sitting down and he was passing by, and I just felt this nausea in my stomach. In that moment, I just wanted to be invisible and hide. Where is an invisibility cloak when you need one? I felt swallowed by shame of the renewed reminder of past heartbreaks, so I could no longer hold off my anxiety from slowly vanguishing the temporary peace I had managed to muster up this morning. It simply was eating me up, alive.
I made it all the way up to ordering a to-go salad for lunch, some hours later, before I started to feel the magma of panic erupting in my body. Unlike regular anxiety, a “magma of panic” is the indication of a volcano soon to erupt. There is no turning it off; a panic attack is inevitable. My chest was so tight, like I was breathing through a straw, and every pump of my heart beat kept bending and unbending the straw, blocking my airway. I put on my Anxiety Break playlist, which I have specifically crafted for these kinds of things, and I was able to at least keep it at the same level while I waited for my to-go order.
But as soon as I had my food in hand, all bets were off.
I immediately went outside to this adorable sitting area, tried to convince myself that I was “tudo bem” and set up my computer, then BAM. Uncontrollable sobbing. The kind where you allow it to come out silently, because you are technically still in public (but in a tucked away nook that makes you feel like it’s more private). There’s really no holding back these waterfalls of emotions; it’s best to just surrender and wait until you can gather yourself up enough to change locations (aka back to the safe confines of my private room….).
Frankly, when panic attacks finally get to the sobbing stage, I know it’s on it’s tail end. At least, round one was….there’s never really an indicator if another round will start up as soon as you’re “safe”… In this case, I had another round of panic sobs in my room before I finally found equilibrium and calmed down.
I think I’ll hide out for the rest of today, and maybe go to the gym one more time, so I can cry it out and just allow the emotions to flow….I do hope my hunger returns, though, because anxiety nausea is SUCH a buzz kill…no one wants to eat a soggy salad….
“If it makes you feel alive then do it more
She said I made her feel alive but kinda swore
Heart broke, you know how the story goes
Boy meets girl, then he tells girl he’s busy
Boy backs away, girls like man where is he
...
Girl’s getting insecure, boy starts waging war
Girls getting triggered more
....
I wish that you could see the imagery
Paint abide, two souls combined
This is symmetry
Perfectly aligned, it’s a sign now we’re in it deep
...
A bitter peace just to let her be
Girl, I think it’s better we don’t ever speak”
…..Despite how long ago the separation was, despite how one-sided the intensity was, and despite all of the conscious work I put in over the last few years to accept reality and move on, my emotional body apparently still has things to release. I can’t reason or logic my way out of it. It’s just an “is”, and my panic attacks really make me face my emotions head-on. I had genuinely forgotten how viscerally painful a broken heart was. Unlike new pain, where it starts from my chest, processing some deep, deep, stored pain is entirely opposite. It feels like these waves of knives oscillating into my chest, appendages inbound, ending in this final stab in the chest that absolutely winds me.
It’s not that I haven’t loved on others in the time between, but I was never as open or trusting or just plain old hopeful as I was during the chaos of this former dynamic. I became closed off, and recoiled from the world, thereafter. I had heart breaks, but I never gave out my full heart, only fragments of it, because most of it was still broken and recouping….
I know that, without question, freedom from this is on the other side. I have done the work to face it head on, to let it go, and to truly find so much value in myself.
But goddamn, emotions store so fucking deep in the body. I knew this would be a hard month, or at the very least, a hard week. But for fucks sake. Panic attacks? Nothing brings me to my knees faster than an uncontrollable wave of debilitating emotions.
Above all else, this situation has taught me that loving less and protecting myself with walls is simply something I cannot do. I have to quite literally separate and isolate myself from others in order to actually not be as engaged. I feel deeply, I feel with others, and my literal health and well being is tied to it. Over-hermitting is no longer a viable coping strategy for me, so I have to learn how to manage my sensitivity in the midst of a pretty sharp world. That’s my responsibility to manage.
I might as well get this coffee over with, and get to the point where I can put this all behind me.
I KNOW my value now. I don’t need to spend any more time lamenting over being not chosen….. but, as it were, I need to also respect my emotional body, and nuture the fuck out of her. Gotta cry? Gotchyou. Let’s post up in a safe space and let it out. Gotta rage? Gotchyou. Let’s go run it out. Need to socialize? Gotchyou. You’re surrounded by 26 other people you can spend time with.
Crying is an endorphins and oxytocin booster, anyways….
Give me all those neurotransmitter-goodness. Right now, I need all I can get.
***Later edit.
Shout out to best friends, dear god. I was talking to Thomas, and I actually snapped at him for something, then realized it, apologized and told him about the anxiety….then told him about the planned coffee… and he was like “You can postpone it….”
Couldn’t hear my intuition, before, but him saying that gave me just enough of a reminder that the panic attack was telling me that I need more time. I deserve to allow myself to take all the time I need, since this man certainly didn’t bother to give me the time of day at any point since the separation.
Nurturing me has to come first on this next life path I’m starting.
Thanks, Thomas, for reminding me of this <3
**Later Later edit.
I am just humbled with so much love and gratitude for my male friends. Thomas and Kaustubh REALLY came out for me, today. I didn’t reach out - but I did ask them to check in on me this month, because they both know I struggle to ask for help…..
Both texted me today, checking in, Giving me updates. And both made time for me talking about my little panic attacks, today….
Thomas:
🫂 you’ll get through this and be around more and more people who see your value. And find a partner who values and empower and encourages you.
Always remember his lack of value or treatment of has nothing to do you with your value.
Kau:
You're much more emotionally literate than I am but I know you are extremely sensitive too. It's not a bad thing but a beautiful trait. Protect it because you'll find someone who'll love you immensely. I'm confident of that. Protect your delicate and sensitive side for that person.
…course, followed by this….
Both of these men have been in my life for years, though Kau is basically a brother as we grew up as adults, together. This is the kind of loving bonds we can have with everyone in our life, should we be open to it.
It was exactly the reframing, healthy, Masculine energy that I needed in my life, today ♡
I’m still teary… but that’s ok.
One day at a time….