traveling light
One of my greatest gifts that I tend to undervalue is my sheer ability to pivot.
With immense success.
No matter what situation, no matter what Tower Moment, either being toxic or just merely a nuisance, I always pivot with immense power.
And this is why I travel light.
I’ve recently had my 31st birthday.
Yearly birthdays help you reflect on the past, and it took me a moment to realize that I had actually manifested this life in Brazil just last year on my 30th.
So, for this year, I guess the sky is the limit. I was like “Fuck it. If I can create a vibrant life in a new country within one year without realizing my power, what if I intentionally manifest the fuck out of this year within my power?”
The stuff that I want doesn’t just happen. I fucking make it happen. It’s that whole concept of “everything happens for a reason” with the added context of “if you make it so”. We can quite literally make anything happen in our lives. Anything. But, you just have to be willing to break enough, to struggle enough, to say “how much do you want it?” and use that as fuel to get back up and keep going.
Because I am so willing to cut ties, because I’m so willing to break, and reform, and to constantly get back up no matter what delusional sense of success I carry, I make shit happen. Once I have a goal in mind, once my intuition and guides and every cell in my body pulsates with the same forward intention, literally nothing can stand in my way. I am willing to die on that hill.
Always.
And, today, I’m feeling particularly fueled by this energy because I spent my 31st birthday tapping in to what I really want, without limits, and I did this whole birthday ritual with some women here in Rio, and these are the kind of moments, the kind of intentions, that break your life. Literally break the life you’ve been living, because it feels so off brand from where you are going. At least, that’s how it’s been feeling, for me.
Living in a life not meant for me, or rather, a life that was meant for me for a time but that time is coming to a close, quite literally feels like wearing dead skin. Kinda like a snake. It’s itchy and uncomfortable and I don’t want anyone to fucking touch me or interfere with the process until I get this goddamn old skin off.
The old has got to go.
Last month, and the last several years, really, were all about release. Release. Release. Release. That shit is brutal…..like, fuck me. Just simply watching (and feeling) all parts of myself dissolve in a tub of acid, without any real clear indication of new parts of myself emerging with any semblance of consistency….. I was just goop on goop on goop. Ego Deaths were the norm, all the way up through my last month of just epic release. (The Death card was all the fuck over that month….).
But, now, now it’s time to build.
Now it’s time to reap some of what I’ve sowed so I know what, where, and with whom to sow more with. All of this cut throat nature I’ve currated in my resilience during the last couple years is now what will protect and expand my garden.
Because the theme of my 31st year is quite literally The Tower.
I know that energy, I am that energy, and I love that energy.
It’s the energy of nothing in my life that is unstable, unreliable, inconsistent, and not here for the long haul will simply not take root.
All dead weight will fall away.
That’s sick AF.
Because I’ve been doing the work, already.
The normally heavy energy of the Tower card is actually supporting my theme of complete surrender to the flow. Of allowing me to actually release my hyper independent shadow and really build out and live in my feminine flow. And the friendships, jobs, situations, mental mentalities, and inherent dispositions that keep me locked outside of this flow will simply fall away.
Or, really, I will rip them out of my life.
My friendship that I referenced in past posts didn’t make it….my confrontation and communication of new needs of presence within the friendship was quite literally dubbed as “codependent” in her eyes. As soon as someone responds to your needs with incorrectly applied therapy rhetoric, good riddance, my guy. That was all the clarity I needed to verify that I was simply allowing the wrong kind of person to take up space in my life. Inner Child Em, I got you. That lady is out.
Não, obrigada. Proxima.
That’s more my vibe, really, as someone who’s energy really does embody The Tower card. I’m no longer living in the delusion that I’m not fucking incredible. I am so proud, and so happy, and so fulfilled to be who I have become. To be the person who is not afraid of wack ass mirrors of self reflection and of growth. I went to war to become this person. I cherish the fuck out of me, now. So if there are people in my life who simply don’t, who simply need me to be a specific way that is convenient to them, I’m good. You’re out.
I am the masculine protector of my softness. The Strength card to my Page of Cups. If you don’t respect my softness, my nurturing nature, my giving nature, then I’m cool cutting ties. No hard feelings, but it’s just not a dynamic for me. Because I made the decision a long time ago to remain soft in a world that is constantly trying to harden us. I have way too much privilege and access to different choices to simply subside to interacting with people in my life that don’t have the emotional capacity for my true essence. The deficit of that type of interaction simply does not pull its weight of worth.
My goal in this life, my life theme, is to bring people together. To genuinely do that, to really live by that, I need to be in constant reassessment of myself and the roles I play in our separateness. But I also need people around me who support this while also encouraging me and making space for me to be soft and at peace. Because just as much as I want to take care of others, I need to be taken care of too. I need my softness cherished, too. And I know how to do this for myself, so anyone who does worse than me is just not worth keeping in my life. I know how to fill my own cup, while also contributing to the cups of others. But those who require all of my stock, but lack the ability to reciprocate, just can’t stay.
Bare minimum behavior is simply too heavy and too expensive to prioritize.
Embracing my feminine doesn’t mean that the masculine energy I have curated over the last few years goes away… but it does mean that I need to take responsibility for my boundaries, and for my “no”s.
“No” is my new favorite word.