friend or foe
I have the hardest time distinguishing a friend from a foe.
I get along with, like, 99% of people when I first meet them. I do have a lightness and warmness to my energy that draws people in and fills them with comfort. I’ve been told that I make people feel at home, and at peace, irrespective of the situation or context that we meet.
That said, as I say all the time, I have the same energy in its equal and opposite force.
I actually intentionally try to come across as closed-off, or quiet - taking it all in -, so that I can avoid that initial first impression and replace it with a more guarded one. I find it… excruciating… to go through the process of watching people interact my natural energy and slowly realize that it is heavier, and more confronting, than their original impression. Then, they either react incredibly emotionally (or cold, same thing…) towards me or leave my life faster than Speedy González. OR, and probably more damaging, they perceive what I can give them, and exploit what they can (because, again, in the past, I chose to not embrace my personal sovereignty in fear of being abandoned).
So, as the complex, deeply layered, and incisive lady that I am, my recent-past-2-years self developed a coping strategy that included burning bridges early, and irrevocably, as soon as the pattern of disloyalty is established. “Burn that fucking bridge down; I’m done.“ Specifically, my definition of ‘loyalty’ revolves around making time for me, my experience in life, and showing up in my life when it’s important.
I realize that others define loyalty in a more flexible fashion than I do, but I actually have noticed that not very many people take loyalty as seriously as I do, either. When I’m loyal to a connection, I am ALL in. I allow my intuition and generosity to act without filtering, and I throw down tons of money to fly to friends for events or something that is significant to their life or just high quality gifts that I come across in my day-to-day. This mentality has gotten me into a LOT of really dark situations. As it turns out, Takers - with no limits - know how to sniff out the Givers. I lament over the thousands of dollars I have invested into others, or they felt inclined to spend, themselves (horrendous stories for another time). So, to combat this, bridge burning has become the norm.
Now, as I’ve said before, I’m a really complex person. I am blessed to experience every emotion on the spectrum, and with the ability to switch through emotions based on what is happening around me. Nothing made more sense to me than when I truly understood how OPEN my Human Design chart was.
Pure Manifesting Generator, 6/2 Profile
It made complete sense to me that I had a pretty fluid identity (open G Center), inconsistent self-confidence and will power (open Ego Center), and incredibly…receptive… emotions (open Emotional Center). However, over time, I’ve been really starting to understand the innate power I have that is simply PULSATING from my aura at all times.
That 20/34 channel is PURE power. Pure energetic power. I also have the 32/54 Channel of Ambition, the 28/38 Channel of Transformation, and the 11/56 Channel of Curiosity. Combined with my defined Energy Center, defined Root Center, defined Survival Center, defined Throat Center, and defined Third Eye Center, I don’t just move mountains, I make new ones. My insatiable curiosity and endless drive takes me on new, transformative, journeys all the time. The entire genius of my aura is actually when I release conscious control, and surrender to the flow.
But, for this chart, the flow is quite literally going around making Tower Moments*. And this 1000% applies to ALL people who interact with me, either as strangers or acquaintances or chosen family. Doesn’t fucking matter. No one escapes this pressure to change energy, not even me.
When I discovered Human Design, it was actually presented to me by my then boyfriend who used it to break up with me. THE FUCK. He said that my chart was difficult to deal with, entirely incompatible with his, and we could build no future, together. I was obviously devastated. To be fair, I think he wanted out of the relationship LONG before that moment, but I wasn’t receptive to a break up because we had a life, a dog, and I had believed that we could fix it (pan to my chart, all about ambition and the struggle towards a goal, like a longterm relationship).
Evidently, it was not fixable. He was in a new relationship a mere 3 months later, and never looked back.
So, I hated Human Design because, deep down, I thought it was confirming my deep-seated belief that there was something fundamentally wrong with me. I had quite literally watched and felt my ex fall out of love with me. So the combo of the two realities confirmed the rhetoric that it was only a matter of time before everyone who got close to me finds out “the truth about me”, and abandons me for it. Deep subconscious shit, right?
Fortunately, a couple months later (...truly… but after his new relationship was FBO….), it was re-presented to me, and I was like “Fuck it. I’m not going have this fucking diagram tell me I’m a piece of shit. I need to learn how to read it.” And, so, I did. Turns out, it actually matches a lot of what I intuitively knew, but it gave me the ability to “pivot from” all the projected bullshit.
Laddy dahdy dah, here we are years later. I understand my energy, and I’m learning to really love it because I truly have accomplished an uncountable number of hurdles, goals, and basically any shadow I put my focus on, in an incredibly short amount of time. Because, my soul chose this energetic combination that is literally ALL about that.
You cannot be around me if you don’t want to grow. You can’t. Even me just doing my thing, and not even mentioning the dumpster fires that I see around you, too, my sheer obsession and intensity around uprooting my bullshit will only highlight that that is very much not what you are doing. It’s intense. I’m intense. I’m owning that shit, now.
This, however, makes friendships really complicated for me. I am currently in a really tense spot with a friend that I feel a deep deep soul connection too. And I’m actually completely confident that I am standing in my power when I communicated new boundaries I recently discovered I need. And that’s quality time, and effort, and physical presence. And I said that I had been giving and giving and giving in the dynamic -both with time, energy, and most importantly, tons of money -, to the point where I surpassed what was healthy for me. I said I needed to take a step back from the friendship, as my giving was never an expectation of hers but I needed to process the animosity I realized I felt about it. I discovered a new limit, and communicated it. As a result, I definitely witnessed her be triggered the fuck out. And, despite it being terrifying to my inner child that, yet again, a cherished close one does not respond to my confrontational energy well, I just felt this reassurance that this was exactly what was supposed to happen. Does this mean we’ll still be friends? I fucking hope so. But, I’ve lost so many, before, and come to realize that that loss was a gift in the end, so I have tethered hope.
Based on the journey I am on, now, and my commitment to really allowing my anger to be vocalized and processed, I need to accept that not everyone will come with me. And, because I’m a force of nature that is perceptive as fuck, and definitely not accustomed to speaking with tact (I prefer direct communication - like a knife. Open that shit up quick so we can get to treating the internal infection). That means that the way I approach vocalizing my frustations will continue to improve, but will start off rough. With her, I approached it with a lot of help from my Higher Self. How do I know this? Because I burnt the fuck out of a bridge with another friend, who had actually used me for his own physical ego infatuations (…fucking friends in never a good idea….), and after spending months integrating into my life as a core, foundational person, he ghosted me. For months. Triggering my abandonment wound SO deep that all I want to do is see him suffer. I have to constantly course correct my inner violence because of how violently that hurt me. Would I say the other friend hurt me with their chosen ignorance to my constant vocalizations that I felt the friendship was imbalanced? Absolutely. I am sensitive as fuck; uncomfortably so, most times. But, my Higher Self definitely helps me out with confronting that dynamic because, even if the friendship doesn’t make it, my dynamic with her is such a soul nourishing bond that maybe we’ll be able to partake in more in some future life. (I sometimes call us Lokis - like the same soul but from different timelines. I cherish her on a soul level that I don’t know how to describe - and yes, I did have to self-reflect to see if my feelings were romantic in nature and I didn’t realize? But, no, it’s for sure a soul love bond, not a romantic bond.)
What do I do from here? Wait, I guess. Even though I FUCKING hate waiting, I also know that having a conversation with her when she’s triggered is 1000% the path to severing ties. Since I don’t want that, I’ll wait. But, I’m going to keep getting more and more confrontational as I continue stepping into my full essence. If this is not a correct friendship for either of us anymore, then so be it. Fate, take over….. since you fucking will anyways….
I just look forward to the day when I do meet those who can handle my sharp edges, and allow me to be the big ol’ lovey softy I am with some pokies without taking advantage of my kindness or demonizing my darkness. Even more so, the ones who want to spend the day-to-day with me, and co-create a wonderful, abundant, life with me.
….pouco a pouco…
**Per Chat GPT: A Tower moment is a pivotal, often unexpected event that shakes the foundations of one’s life, leading to a dramatic change and a chance for rebirth.