acceptance
The weather here in Floripa has been shit.
Absolute shit.
So much goddamn rain and cloudy skies. (Though, the occasional Sunny Day has peaked through).
But I find it a bit interesting, as well, because it’s part of the theme that has kept me in Winter for almost three, straight, years. Despite the fact that I absolutely loathe being cold, I have spent the majority of these years in cold weather (though with some warmth slid in there, too). But I have genuinely been in Winter seasons, locationally, for that portion of time.
Ironically, I’m being called to leave Brazil just as Winter is ending, and just as Winter is beginning, in the the U.S.
Goddamn fate, again….
Obviously, I believe this is all for a reason, and that it will be worth it in the end. But as I look outside at the forever-cloudy sky of Floripa’s Winter, I am notable pissed about it.
It’s time to let go.
I need to accept that that motherfucker FMOMD is just simply never go to choose me. Because choosing me would require him to look at himself deeper than he wants to, as was clearly illuminated in my last post. It’s not because of bad blood, it’s not because of lack of interest (….ok…well….maybe this a little bit of a lie…. clearly there’s not enough interest….), it’s because of factors completely unrelated to me.
Theme: Indifference to Rejection
I also need to accept that I’m not a part of his path forward, either. No amount of support or time investment will ever convince someone to think differently or approach life in a new way, or that your presence is a gift that they should cherish. At least, not with my level of energetic influence (the amount of people who have just picked up and left my life…unfazed….). That’s an inside-job, an inside-choice, and one I genuinely have no business in interfering with. I’ve already done what I needed to do, and I need to let go of the rest.
Theme: Immunity to Disappointment
That said, I lightly cried about this, today. I just witnessed a couple tears running down my cheek as I was walking down the stairwell, in a pocket of private space in a common area. I also ate way too much chocolate - this morning… though it’s not a morning food…. - and I have noticed a high level of insatiable hunger since yesterday, which I know is emotionally fueled. This month has been heavy, and my body feels tired…. but I am determined to continue working on my current themes for this month; I am making measurable gains, after all.
I ended up having an impromptu dinner with one of my powerhouse female friends that I had previously wrote about feeling insecurities with. We had an absolutely lovely time, and ended up intuitively finding the exact restaurant and meal that had what each of us was craving. Most of the meal was filled with light-hearted conversation, but I was also able to briefly acknowledge the perceived energetic shift.
I can always tell if someone is meant for me to continue to invest in based on how they respond to these light confrontations. My goal is always clarity and connection, but sometimes that is not how my confrontation is received. I’ve gotten better at approaching things in a less triggering way, but I’m human, and I have no shortage of failures to my name. Since I had so deeply triggered one of my most cherished friends with my recent confrontations, I couldn’t help but be worried that my confrontation would be poorly received by a new, kindred, friendship.
The Self-Forgiveness Oracle Deck
Love Yourself Edition
Today’s Card Theme: Self-Refection [EXPLORE + REALIGN]
Fortunately, though, in this case, we were able to reach new clarity and connection within a mere sentence or two. There was an intuitive flow of understanding and recognition, as well as respect, for the other’s vulnerabilities. I think, as powerful people, others tend to assume that nothing impacts you, that you’re somehow untouchable. But, in this moment, we were able to make space for fears and misunderstandings without it “making or breaking” the bond. I think the quick exchange strengthened it, actually.
As I learn and get to witness myself addressing more topics openly with vulnerability, but in a lighthearted way, I’m starting to see just how successful this path forward will be. After all, the more aligned I become with my truest self, in every moment and in every expression, the more I will continue to met people who are more compatible with my aura, and even with the person I am becoming / will be one day.
These are the kind of dynamics I want to learn how to nurture and grow with, correctly. Both new connections, and older connections that learn to grow and expand with me as I grow and expand overtime (and vice versa). I just need to figure out how to balance and make space for my emotional pain-points as I learn to live and thrive out of new life perspectives and routes.
As I always say, one day at a time.
No more Dr. Frankenstein. It’s time to move on to a new plane of existence.